Drafting Mr. Right: Can ESPN Rank My Prospective Dates For Me?

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If I spent as much time analyzing my prospective dates as I do the players I draft for my fantasy football team, I’d have the next Tom Brady or Aaron Rodgers lined up as my new best beau.

As a fantasy football owner, I know what to look for in a player, but I also have access to his stats, his history, his teammates and what kind of system he is most successful in.

How do you gain that kind of knowledge when looking at prospective dates? And how does one apply it to dating?

Most guys don’t come with stats attached (okay, maybe Uncle Rico does). And besides that, how do you rank warmth? Being genuine? Compassionate? Open? Honest? Passionate? Everyone looks for different characteristics in a significant other.

Online dating profiles give stats on things that don’t really matter to me. I don’t care how much money you make or how tall you are. Pictures next to fast cars, or on beaches, or in distant lands don’t reveal the real history of that person or track record or relationship skills they may possess.

Instead of income, tell me about your sense of humor. Can you laugh at yourself and be silly in public? Are you lighthearted? Can you make me laugh? Can you do all of those things and still have an intelligent conversation?

Now we’re getting somewhere, because that stuff is WAY more useful in the long run.

Yes, physical attraction is important, but as they say, 5 minutes after you meet someone you feel them rather than see them. And, as a fantasy owner, I can look at a player’s stats all day long, but if he doesn’t have a team to back him up then they don’t mean a thing.

Drafting a stud running back on a team that will be playing from behind in every game is a wasted pick, much like dating someone who has no potential to be the next Mr. Right, let alone Mr. Right Now.

Take Tony Romo. His stats say he’s better than Aikman, but give me a break. He panics in the pocket and there’s no chemistry with his team. Even if weren’t already injured again, I still wouldn’t pick him – LIKE EVER (And I LOVE the Dallas Cowboys)! When there’s a connection with someone, you can feel their presence even if you can’t see them. Watch a player long enough and you can tell if he has that with his team. Watch a guy long enough and it’s the same thing.

Wouldn’t it be awesome if ESPN could rank your dating prospects before you ever went on a date with them? You could look at those rankings, check the stats, see if they have any red flags and roll the dice from there.

Oooh, I know! Maybe we could get Dave Campbell to launch a dating magazine ranking single people like they do college football prospects.

They could include a Q&A with each prospect. When it’s 3rd and long, and you have a linebacker coming at you, do you freeze and take the hit, or deke him and make the throw under pressure? In a relationship, if you were feeling like things were getting stale or you had your feelings hurt, would you a) just bury those feelings, b) ghost me, or c) let me know something was bothering you and that you wanted to talk about it? Honestly, I’d rather know what a guy would do in those situations than what his sign is.

Alas, ESPN hasn’t gotten into the dating business. So, for now, I’ll stick with evaluating and drafting the players who have the stats to help me win my fantasy league… because we can all do with some fantasies.

I’m going to change Henry Ford’s quote a bit. “Coming together is the beginning. Staying together is the progress. Working together is success.” Here’s to another great season. Good luck ladies.

Let’s get ready to RUMBLE (Wait can I say that? Is it copyrighted?)