Dating in the Age of Apps: Why Women Don’t Always Respond

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This is a post about why WE can’t respond to YOUR message every time, or in some cases, ever. And what you can do about it!

Online dating for women can be overwhelming, at least when it comes to keeping up with all the new messages. While men may get anywhere from 5 to 20 new messages a week, it’s not uncommon for a woman to receive as many as 50 to 200 messages in that same time.

Think about a bar scene where women are 10x more likely to be hit on than a man is.
Now, imagine living in that same bar, 24 hrs a day and having the obligation to respond positively or negatively to each of those advances (all while attempting to be polite).

In reality, nobody has that much free time to respond, nor do we want to send that much personal rejection to our fellow online daters. So most of us don’t even bother to go through all of them. When you have that much volume in a week, it becomes a second job. Who has time for that? This leads to many more mass deletes than it does individual responses. A lot of times, I just clean out my inbox and move on.

So how do you stand out in a field you had no idea was so crowded? How do you get through the inbox deletion protocol?

Just like in real life, it takes initiative, creativity, and action! You have to get someone’s attention, you know, catch their eye.

Of course, there are good ways and bad ways to get attention. One cheeseball sent me the equivalent of a hit you over the head intro message with the cheesiest picture of him. I swear it looked like an ad for a mid-life crisis.

He got my attention alright. I showed it to my teenage son who got a good laugh from it. It was a teaching moment for my son to learn: don’t be a douchebag when you start dating. Confidence is one thing, but douchebaggery and an overinflated ego is another. SMH

Some guys send winks or likes in hopes of the woman showing a mutual interest, thus improving his odds of getting a response to his initial message. In reality, that doesn’t work since the women who will wink back are likely the same ones who were winking at you already. I don’t have time to look at all of the messages much less take the time to see who winked or liked my picture. You need to send a real message.

I recently, sent a screenshot of a bad/crazy intro message to a friend of mine who is also on the site. He responded with a pic of a crazy-eyed woman that messaged him in an awkward way recently too. These online sites need a “no thanks, but refer” (Tinder has one btw) option so we could try and set them up with one another. I’m sure they’d have a lot of crazy fun. Oy vey!

Every person responds in a different way to different tactics. But I can tell you that there are some pretty massive eye-rolls when y’all do some things.

1. Profile Name If your name even hints at some version of FrequentFlyer 69 or JohnnysBigBoy or StillFiguringOutMe, that’s a delete. Not scanning your pictures, not reading the message. Just delete.

2. Cut and paste intro messages If it doesn’t have something that indicates that you actually looked at my anemic profile and/or pictures, I most likely won’t respond.

3. Photos If all of your pictures are group shots and I have to try and figure out which one is you, that’s a no. I’m not putting that much effort into it, even if you have a nice profile name and opening message.

So, what does get attention?

1. Profile Name Something that says something about you, who you are, what you do or what your passionate about. I replied to a couple of messages this past month from guys who listed a similar hobby or career as mine. Both garnered responses because we had something in common. I’m always looking to network and make new friends, even if we don’t end up dating.

2. Intro message Say something funny, be witty, be intelligent enough to relate that wittiness to what you know about me.  You’re much more likely to get a response if you put a smile on my face.

3. Photos Pictures of you being you. Show off your passions, hobbies, and tell a story about who you are.

4. Send a second message Do this a few weeks later, but don’t reference that I never responded to you initially, and don’t copy/paste your first message. You may have just been caught in the email wash.

In the end, just be authentic and genuine. The right person will respond. They’ll be into the real you and not someone you are trying to be. And if they don’t respond, then it may have just been a busy week.

You’re Not Stuck, You’re Scared

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Making a change can be scary. But unless you’re in prison, you aren’t really stuck. You just can’t make a decision…or can you?

When so much information is at our fingertips, we tend to research things to the nth degree. Analysis paralysis takes over.  What if it doesn’t work out? What if I fail? What if it isn’t the right choice? Am I doing the right thing?

Those questions can swirl around your head with the same effect of water swirling down a toilet. They have the potential to empty you, to drain you, to paralyze you with fear… in short, they are unproductive and add no benefit to your mental health and happiness.

It’s one thing to look at and weigh all your options within a reasonable timeframe. It’s another thing if you let those choices bog you down.  And it’s quite another if you let someone else control you and your choices.

I listened when someone I loved told me I couldn’t make it without him. He said I’d never be able to support myself, that no one would ever hire me because I’d been out of my career for too long. He told me I’d end up like his mother, dependent on others to help me out. He told me I was too old, too fat, too many kids and too ugly for anyone else to love me. He told me no one would ever love me like he did. (God, please I hope not. If so, I haven’t done my due diligence.) He told me that when he was finished with me, I’d be homeless, penniless and I’d lose my children.

With encouragement like that, I was paralyzed with fear and indecision. Even though I knew in my head that those things he said about me were bogus, my heart sometimes would fall into despair and need a reminder that the lies were not real…and not me.

I’ve heard similar things from other women. I’m stuck, how can I support myself? Am I doing the right thing for my kids? Will they be mad at me? Will he turn them against me? Is this the best decision? What will people think if I stay? What will people think if I go?

In “The Power of Love” Sue Johnson lays out the physical effects of love. “Sociologists are also finding that our life partner is often our only reliable source of support and comfort. Love’s function is safety and survival.”

So what happens when that breaks down in a marriage and it’s hard to figure out what the best option is? “Emotional disconnection literally hurts. Brain scans show that rejection by someone we depend on is processed in the same part of our brain, and in the same way, as physical pain.”

Well, I finally stopped being paralyzed with fear. I decided that while I could not control the situation or even control him, I could control how I react to the situation and at least control me. I got back in shape and lost 10 lbs. I landed a full-time job and more than doubled my income from my flexible part-time job. From that moment in time, I stopped letting fear get in the way of making decisions. Even if the decisions may not always be perfect, they were my decisions and it was empowering.

If I thought it was a nightmare being in my marriage, it was nothing compared to what would come after I began to separate myself from my ex and everything that came after our divorce. In almost every instance I felt like it was a dance: two steps forward and one step back. Each chapter brought it’s own challenges and times when I felt stuck, scared and unsure. Fight or flight mode kicks in and makes decision-making nearly impossible.

I’ve heard from others who feel stuck in unhappy situations. I would never be so bold as to tell someone what decision they should make, but I will say that you shouldn’t be scared to make one. Life is now. Why stay stuck in an unhappy situation?

Some were unhappy and decided to make their marriage work. Others decided it was better to leave. But the end result and the point is that they made a choice to make their situation better.

I’ve had a few friends who were afraid about what other people would think about their decision. People will judge. They will take the kernel of information they have and make a decision about your situation. But you can’t live your life trying to please everyone. Because of what I’ve been through, I’ve heard from countless people who are going through all kinds of issues. You never know what someone is going through.  Even those who judge you harshly are most likely dealing with their own issues.

Some people will judge you for leaving. Why didn’t you try harder? But no one else has to live your life. That’s your job. It’s your job to be the best you that you can be and to make yourself happy. You can’t spread joy if you don’t feel it yourself. What comes out of you is what is within you. So if you want to spread joy, you must have it to begin with.

I read somewhere that you should flip a coin, because in that singular moment you’re waiting for it to land, you typically figure out what is in your heart. I also seek advice from friends whose judgement I trust. With all of this information at our fingertips, we often forget to trust in our instincts and listen to our hearts.

You have to trust your decision making is what will lead to the best outcome, not necessarily the path itself. It is all within you if you choose to empower yourself.

The picture above was the trail I ran the other morning. I had no idea where it went or if it would take me in the right direction. But I knew that I would make the choice to enjoy the journey of discovery that this trail had to offer. So, I just kept running and the path lead me to this beautiful fountain. My run this morning was a physical reminder that sometimes you just have to have faith and keep going…

My aunt and uncle have this sign in their bathroom and it was the perfect reminder that a greater power has control of my life. I may not understand why things are happening the way they are, but I have faith that if I can control my fear, I won’t be stuck and God has it under control.