Dating in the Age of Apps: Why Women Don’t Always Respond

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This is a post about why WE can’t respond to YOUR message every time, or in some cases, ever. And what you can do about it!

Online dating for women can be overwhelming, at least when it comes to keeping up with all the new messages. While men may get anywhere from 5 to 20 new messages a week, it’s not uncommon for a woman to receive as many as 50 to 200 messages in that same time.

Think about a bar scene where women are 10x more likely to be hit on than a man is.
Now, imagine living in that same bar, 24 hrs a day and having the obligation to respond positively or negatively to each of those advances (all while attempting to be polite).

In reality, nobody has that much free time to respond, nor do we want to send that much personal rejection to our fellow online daters. So most of us don’t even bother to go through all of them. When you have that much volume in a week, it becomes a second job. Who has time for that? This leads to many more mass deletes than it does individual responses. A lot of times, I just clean out my inbox and move on.

So how do you stand out in a field you had no idea was so crowded? How do you get through the inbox deletion protocol?

Just like in real life, it takes initiative, creativity, and action! You have to get someone’s attention, you know, catch their eye.

Of course, there are good ways and bad ways to get attention. One cheeseball sent me the equivalent of a hit you over the head intro message with the cheesiest picture of him. I swear it looked like an ad for a mid-life crisis.

He got my attention alright. I showed it to my teenage son who got a good laugh from it. It was a teaching moment for my son to learn: don’t be a douchebag when you start dating. Confidence is one thing, but douchebaggery and an overinflated ego is another. SMH

Some guys send winks or likes in hopes of the woman showing a mutual interest, thus improving his odds of getting a response to his initial message. In reality, that doesn’t work since the women who will wink back are likely the same ones who were winking at you already. I don’t have time to look at all of the messages much less take the time to see who winked or liked my picture. You need to send a real message.

I recently, sent a screenshot of a bad/crazy intro message to a friend of mine who is also on the site. He responded with a pic of a crazy-eyed woman that messaged him in an awkward way recently too. These online sites need a “no thanks, but refer” (Tinder has one btw) option so we could try and set them up with one another. I’m sure they’d have a lot of crazy fun. Oy vey!

Every person responds in a different way to different tactics. But I can tell you that there are some pretty massive eye-rolls when y’all do some things.

1. Profile Name If your name even hints at some version of FrequentFlyer 69 or JohnnysBigBoy or StillFiguringOutMe, that’s a delete. Not scanning your pictures, not reading the message. Just delete.

2. Cut and paste intro messages If it doesn’t have something that indicates that you actually looked at my anemic profile and/or pictures, I most likely won’t respond.

3. Photos If all of your pictures are group shots and I have to try and figure out which one is you, that’s a no. I’m not putting that much effort into it, even if you have a nice profile name and opening message.

So, what does get attention?

1. Profile Name Something that says something about you, who you are, what you do or what your passionate about. I replied to a couple of messages this past month from guys who listed a similar hobby or career as mine. Both garnered responses because we had something in common. I’m always looking to network and make new friends, even if we don’t end up dating.

2. Intro message Say something funny, be witty, be intelligent enough to relate that wittiness to what you know about me.  You’re much more likely to get a response if you put a smile on my face.

3. Photos Pictures of you being you. Show off your passions, hobbies, and tell a story about who you are.

4. Send a second message Do this a few weeks later, but don’t reference that I never responded to you initially, and don’t copy/paste your first message. You may have just been caught in the email wash.

In the end, just be authentic and genuine. The right person will respond. They’ll be into the real you and not someone you are trying to be. And if they don’t respond, then it may have just been a busy week.