I’m a sensitive person. So far, I’ve lost my younger sister followed quickly by my mother and then my grandfather who helped raise me. As a result, I built walls, really thick, tall walls, to protect myself from being hurt.
Growing up, I was friendly to most people, but only let a few people get close. I tended to be more of a relationship person, preferring to develop close relationships with a few rather than date around. All of this was a way to protect myself from being hurt.
I wasn’t aware of the concept of boundaries until after my divorce when I learned what to look for when someone crosses my boundaries. Up until then, I just built walls to keep people out.
I had set boundaries with my kids, but I didn’t think of them that way. When they whined, I loving looked at them and let them know when they could speak where I could understand them, we could talk. I held firm. I was able to do that with my children because of the way I had been raised and modeled my parenting that way.
However, I hadn’t really seen examples of that in the context of romantic relationships. The only thing I truly understood about boundaries had to do with sex. But what about boundaries when it comes to how you’re treated?
I tend to learn through reading, processing and then discussing with others. One of the best books I’ve read on boundaries is “Boundaries in Dating” by Cloud and Townsend.
There were a lot of “a-ha” moments for me and situations where I found I had been on the receiving end and guilty of some things.
Some of it you read, and think, “Well, duh,” but I’ve never honestly focused on it and processed it in terms of a relationship. I haven’t analyzed relationships and what I’m feeling. I’ve had some key takeaways in forming my boundaries for future relationships. Here are some quotes that rang true with me.
- “Loss of Freedom to Be Oneself.” My relationships with people are the most important thing to me. I’m happiest when I put effort into maintaining those. I’m happiest when I’m free to be me. If I’m alienated from my family, friends, church or the things I love, it makes me vulnerable.
- “Many people with boundary problems overstep their bounds and don’t know when to stop giving of themselves.” Ding, ding, ding. I’m soo guilty of this.
- “Good boundaries help you know how much to give, and when to stop giving.”
- “Truthfulness is everything.”
- “Where there is deception there is no relationship.”
- “The real problem is that when you are with someone who is deceptive, you never know what reality is.”
- “It is one thing to have loved and lost. It is another thing to have loved and been lied to.”
- “There is nothing wrong with dating someone, enjoying their company, and finding out where a relationship is going to go. That is almost a definition of the dating circumstance. But as soon as someone is sure that dating is not going where another person thinks or hopes that it is, that person has a responsibility to tell the other one clearly and honestly. Anything less is deceitful and harmful.”
- “Compliant people have a habit of attracting controlling, self-centered people anyway, and you do not want to do that.”
- “If you are dating someone, and there is a problem in some way that he or she has treated you or some hurt that you have suffered, you must be honest. Being honest resolves the hurt or the conflict. When you are honest, how the other person responds, tells you whether a real, long-term, satisfactory relationship is possible.”
- “A lot is lost…if both people are not facing hurt and conflict directly. In reality, a conflict-free relationship is probably a shallow relationship.”
- “People who can handle confrontation and feedback are the ones who can make relationships work. If you get serious with someone who cannot take feedback about hurt or conflict, then you are headed for a lifetime of aloneness, resentment and perhaps even abuse.”
- “Two Types of Liars. There are liars who lie out of shame, guilt, fear of conflict or loss of love, and other fears. They are the ones who lie when it would be a lot easier to tell the truth. They fear the other person’s anger or loss of love. The second category are liars who lie as a way of operating and deceive others for their own selfish ends. Just plain old lying for love of self.”
- “Lying destroys.”
- “Probably every human being is growing in his or her ability to be direct and completely vulnerable with feelings and deeper things of the heart.”
- “I have to be with someone who is honest with me about what they are thinking and feeling.”
- Don’t become attracted to someone’s attraction to you. I’m summarizing here. You want to make sure you’re attracted to someone’s character and values.
- Don’t be hampered by your insecurities. Be with the kind of person you truly want to be with, not just someone who is safe.
- Reflect on long-term patterns of someone.
- “Fear of the Unknown.” By minimizing differences, you keep your relationship pleasant, superficial and covertly dishonest. Indirectness is a problem and limits how close you can be to someone.
- “Destructive Personal Traits such as “is defensive instead of open to feedback. Is self-righteous instead of humble. Demands trust instead of proving himself trustworthy. Avoids closeness. Things only about himself instead of the relationship and the other person. Is controlling and resists freedom. Condemns. Plays “one up” or acts parental. Is a negative influence. Gossips. Is overly jealous or suspicious. Negates pain. Is overly angry.”
- “Love satisfies. It does not leave you romantically pining.”
- “Say no to letting your heart get involved with a person whom you would not choose as a friend.”
- “Deal with each relationship on its own merit so that it will not interfere with others.”
- “Romance is great. Sexuality is great. Attraction is great. But here is the key: If all of those are not built upon lasting friendship and respect of that person’s character, something is wrong.”
- The difference between a healthy romance and a romanticized friendship.
- “Pay attention to things like openness, freedom, mutuality and the like.”
- Being afraid to deal with our deficits and looking for someone else to fulfill those. “It is about using another person to avoid dealing with our own souls. When we decide to stop piggybacking on someone else’s strengths, they are not the problem. We are. And growth can begin.”
- “When you depend on another person for what you should be developing, you no longer have control or freedom in that aspect of your life.”
- The difference between taking in “love, comfort and instruction of others in order to grow spiritually and emotionally,” and a relationship that has dependency but no growth.
- “Dependency that does not lead to growth ultimately creates more immaturity in the person.”
- “Opposites often depend on each other. That is not the problem as long as that dependency spurs each member on to maturity and completeness.”
- “Attraction based on values is much more mature than attraction based on what you don’t have inside.”
- “Set boundaries on your tendencies to rescue each other from your character deficits.”
- “Be agents of growth, healing, and change for each other, specifically in these issues.”
- “Don’t be someone you are not just to gain someone’s love. As soon as she had begun to be a real person with needs and desires of her own, he was unable to deal with the equality. It was his way or the highway.”
- “Be yourself from the beginning. A relationship like that has mutuality and partnership. It has give and take. It has equality. It has sharing and mutual self-sacrifice. You will quickly find out if you are with someone who is able to share, or someone who has to have his or her own way all the time.”
- “Don’t Be Kidnapped. He just had subtly negated most of the people and things that were important to her.”
- “It is interesting sometimes to see how the people who love someone often express the anger that the person is unable to express themselves.”
- “She was being separated from her friends, support systems, and everything that was important to her, even her values.”
- While dating, don’t allow yourself to be separated. Our support systems: “gives us emotional support, truth and wisdom, courage to take strong stands and values or morals, take strong stands with hurtful people, comfort and strength to let go and grieve difficult situations and people, the knowledge and skills that we do not possess.”
- “Faith, hope and love remain. If someone can keep hope going, then through faith and love, great things can be accomplished. it is not false hope.”
- “False hope makes the heart sick. When we hope and hope and yet nothing happens and there is no reason to keep hoping other than hope itself, then despair settles in.
- It’s detail and wishful thinking.”
- “You cannot blame another person if you are not treating her righteously. We must get the log out of our own eye first (Matthew 7:3-5).”
- “God accepts reality about the person, grieves his expectations and forgives. he faces the reality of who a person is, forgives that person, and then works with the reality of who he or she is.”
- “God gives change a chance. God waits for the change process to work.”
- “God is longsuffering, not eternal suffering. it ends at some point when it is clear that the person is not using what is being given to grow. God withdraws effort. Not because he is mean, but because it is clear that waiting would not make any more difference.”
- “Principles like honesty, kindness, firm boundaries, forgiveness, responsibility, faithfulness and the like will protect you.”
- “Silence, coldness, distance and sarcasm can do the same damage as words do.”
- “If the good is not worth the bad, you can leave.”
Honestly, this book is full of great advice. I highly recommend it for anyone who is dating or in a relationship and interested in making it better. Boundaries are about letting the right people in. Walls just keep everyone out. Boundaries allow you to have meaningful connections with healthy people; walls do not.